Leaving the lights on

I try to be green. Ok, maybe not green... I don't drive a Hybrid or walk to work. But I want to be green. I recycle and reuse. I Freecycle. I rinse out my coffee mug at work instead of using the paper cups. My roommate noticed that I reuse Christmas gift bags and tissue. And, until New Year's Day, I was adamant about conserving energy. I turn off lights when I leave a room. I unplug my coffee maker when it's not in use. I turn off the power strip to my computer and printer at night. I use energy efficient bulbs wherever possible.

You get the idea.

On New Year's Day I was having dinner with a friend. While walking back to my car, my roommate called. We'd been burglarized. Our basement sliding door was kicked in, shattered glass everywhere. She didn't know what had been taken or where my cats were. I raced home to find my computer still sitting on my desk and my cats hiding under the bed.

I live in that basement. The den walks out to our back patio. My bedroom is a straight shot from the sliding door. I study, watch movies, sleep and eat here.

My family heirloom rings were in my sock drawer. I admit, this was not a smart place to keep them. But one does not think about being robbed until it happens. They are gone, along with a few pieces from my roommate's room and my camera. Perhaps they will show up someday in a pawn shop.

I leave lights on now. The back porch light stays on all night. We leave a light on in the kitchen at all times, and set other lights on timers. We bought door and window alarms, locks, chains, and peep holes. I try not to be angry that our landlord is not reimbursing us for them. I try to imagine having compassion for the robbers. I try to humanize them in my mind. But I lock my door at night and lock the door beyond that door. I know in my head that statistically we are not likely to be targeted again. I know that I only have six months left in this lease. I know that we are lucky things were not worse.

But I also know that the robbers know what I look like. They took my camera. They have seen pictures of me. They have been through my room. They took the pillow case off my bed to shove my family inheritance in. If I saw them walking down the street, they would know it was me but I would not know it was them.

I try to imagine what grace looks like here, now, in this place. I cannot go back and picture grace in the moment of the crime - If I had been home, sitting in my room, what would I have done? I cannot imagine that, so I move forward. I vacuum everyday. Someday soon the tiny, shiny beads of glass will finally disappear. The anger will subside. I will sleep without worrying about the doors and windows. I will be prepared to confront or comfort the robbers, given the opportunity. I will extend grace. Someday.

For now, I am leaving the lights on.