Frigid cold, and crusted hearts

It’s 21 degrees here today, but it was 38 below zero in Minnesota yesterday.

Thanks to IKEA, I now have a Big Girl Bed.

Class starts tonight. I’m super excited. Still waiting for the book we need for our first reading assignment…

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Anyway, this is what I’ve been thinking about for the last few weeks, and after meeting with some friends yesterday who are bound for the Middle East, these were my thoughts:

I’m mourning the loss of my heart for the nations.

I’ve always been keenly aware of G-d’s love for all peoples, that He desires all to glorify Him, from every tongue and tribe; perhaps accustomed to that even more than His love for me personally. This Will of His was part of my will for a long time and endured many tests of faith.

And then, I lost it.

In large part, I can attribute this to the period in my life when I turned away from G-d’s purposes and plans, lived foolishly, and did not give heed to what He was doing in my life, or beyond. I knew my heart was hard; I did not see the thickening layer of crust growing on it as well. This muck, this cynicism, crept into my thoughts and actions, and I am only now seeing it for what it is and I detest its very presence.

I’ve become bitter, angry with the countries and policies of unbelieving nations; even irritated with their very culture. They’ve become them. Others. Distant. Foreign. Unseen by eyes unwilling to look and therefore forgotten.

And that is only one coat of the crust.

I’m finding what I’ve missed most is my times of prayer for the world, for the persecuted Church and those that do not yet know Him. These times kept me connected, grounded, and drew me closer to His heart. I’ve let my hatred of worldly systems, injustice, and savage behavior rob me of joining in that fellowship. For that, I am saddened and repentant.

It is flaking off now, for that I’m grateful. It is shedding light on my hidden agendas, my willingness to be open to whatever He asks of me, and a richer understanding that ultimately, He calls me to Him.