To Tears

I’ve rarely experienced moments of intense emotion when reading commentaries but I was brought to tears by this, and I wanted to share it.

I’m prepping a study of Psalm 40, and not owning a commentary of my own; I borrowed Spurgeon’s from my pastor’s library. (Thanks, David. You should comment here sometime :)

Versus 6-10 cross-reference with Hebrews 10:5-9; a connection I would not have made on my own, but Hebrews makes it very clear that Ps. 40:6-10 is speaking directly about Christ:

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced;
burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.

Then I said, "Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll.

I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."

I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD.

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.

Spurgeon exposits verse 7: Then I said, “Here I am, I have come – it is written about me in the scroll,” with the following:

Immanuel did not send but come; he came in his own personality, in all that constituted his essential self he came forth from the ivory palaces to the abodes of misery; he came promptly at the destined hour; he came with sacred alacrity as one freely offering himself. In the eternal decree it is thus recorded. The mystic roll of predestination which providence gradually unfolds, contained within it, to the Saviour’s knowledge, a written covenant, that in the fullness of time the divine I should descend to earth to accomplish a purpose which hecatombs of bullocks and rams could not achieve. What a privilege to find our names written in the book of life, and what an honour, since the name of Jesus heads the page! Our Lord has respect to his ancient covenant engagements, and herein he teaches us to be scrupulously just in keep our word; have we so promised, it is so written in the book of remembrance? {Emphasis Spurgeon's.}

I like that He did not send but come. That He held the promise of the covenant, and that He spoke His promise in the Psalms. That we find Christ in the Psalms makes clear this was His holy plan, this was no afterthought. His redemptive work on the cross is not Plan B. This causes me to pause, reflecting on His wisdom, His purposes, His provision. If He planned this much for himself, how much does He plan for His Bride, His Beloved? This is humbling, to say the least. In fact, my thoughts were such that I could not put into words, and had to fall in tears of joy, thankfulness and praise. He is a good, good G-d.

Small Changes in Habits

I’ve made two small changes this year. Not New Year’s resolutions per se, just attempts to let Christ permeate my daily life, and I’d like to share them with the two or three people who read this blog.

My freshman year of college I was adopted by my Christian family. This is no slam against my Dad (Hi, Dad. Love you!), or any of my biological family, really. This was G-d’s abundant provision of a spiritual family. The Decker’s are the exact opposite of my immediate family. They are numerous, noisy, and Christ-centered, all in positive ways. When I lived with them, I brought the kid-count to seven, never mind the farm of pets scattered about the house. (Although, I guess I was over eighteen…)

In all the hustle and bustle that kids bring, I was always impressed with Decker family dinners; together, at a real dinning table, complete with grace and attempts at organized passing of dishes. This was a stark contrast to family dinners at my house, on the couch watching Bulls games or ER. Decker dinners were intentionally interactive. No TV blaring in the background. And no answered phone calls, unless it was to say, “We’re eating dinner; I’ll call you back later.” I hope I do not paint too rosy a picture; this activity was certainly forced on one or more of the kids at one time or another. But, on the whole, this was communal.

Nowadays, I likely than not eat alone. I’m rushed, shoving food down while I walk to work, or in the car on my way from here to there. I try to cook more, making meals I can take to the office for lunch. I love hosting and having friends over for dinner, but everyone has chaotic schedules and this works out less than it aught. And though I’ve improved the quality of the meal I eat at dinner, I usually eat it in front of my computer, typing emails, reading blogs, etc. I do not rest while I eat. This, my friends, is not natural.

So I’ve stopped. I’m sitting at the dinning table now to eat my oatmeal in the mornings. I still find myself rushing to finish dinner so I can check my email for the 80th time today, but I sit. I sit and be still, even if it’s just 10 minutes. Now, the real test will be to see if I can actually take a lunch break at work and not eat at my desk. Is it communal? Not as much as I’d like it to be. But it is being conscious of how I inhabit my time.

Second, I’ve started to handle my finances on Sunday mornings. This may sound odd; let me explain. For those of you who know me in real life, you know I’m an organizational freak. It may shock you to know that I am terrible at paying my bills on time. Do I know they are due? Maybe. Do I know how much money I have in my checking account right now? I have a rough estimate. I’m embarrassed to admit, I’m also conveniently forgetful about tithing.

To really be obedient to G-d with my, er His, money, I had to make a change in when I was paying my bills. And what better way to beat it into my head that G-d should be the spender of my checking account than to force myself to sit every Sunday morning before church and write out checks (or pay online). I’ve been doing this for about two months now and I’ve noticed three changes. One, I now pay my bills on time. That doesn’t mean I pay them the week I get them; I still space them out based on when I get paid and when they are due. Two, I tithe every week rather than once a month. This forces me to budget better overall, and although I don’t tithe every week specifically to my church, doing it on Sunday morning reminds me to do it. Third, watching where the money goes every week, as opposed to rarely analyzing spending habits, has helped me save a nice chunk of change in two months time, and I’ve significantly decreased my debt, too.

I don’t know if that will be helpful for anyone else. I just wanted to share. And invite you all to dinner. :)

Things I'd Never do Again

Tomorrow, I'm going to do something I never thought I'd do again. I'll participate in an event that still makes me want to gag a little, even though I'm going now of my own volition. I’m attending a women’s conference. Ugh. I say that, and the cheesiness drips from the words, makes me convulse briefly, and I cannot even stand that I’m saying it.

It is events like this, with their sappy titles and the single women all crying about being single and the married women all telling the single women it’s not that wonderful and that you can still be a Super Christian Woman without a Man that make me recoil. Either I identify with it so much that its disconcerting, or I am just repulsed by the idea that whittling down of the life of a Christian woman to a weekend conference will make a difference. Most likely, it is both.

It is the same with Christian self-help books and the majority of Christian radio. I can’t take it. I really don’t think G-d meant us to be so lame.

I used to blame this stuff for my hiatus from the Church. G-d, Jesus, the Word – all that I could stomach. It was real, raw and rough around the edges. But Hallmark Christianity? No thanks, I’ll pass. It wasn’t “me.” I couldn’t live in this fake Christian world; it felt like high school clicks with a dose of religious zeal to pass for acceptable behavior.

And so, I tried to stand alone. I tried to be a Lone Christian in the Fallen World. This is just as miserable, trust me. And I fell, convincing myself to just try harder, damn it! And I fell some more. Until I could not live with the absence of community any longer.

Now the very things I hated about women’s conferences, or women’s groups in general, I need; I crave. I need other single women who are struggling to find their place, fighting to make sense of where we belong when many of us desire to be supportive Christian women to loving, godly men. And I need other women to remind me that I am serving Jesus just as much by teaching, growing, volunteering, and earnestly seeking Him, as I am by testing my cooking skills on guinea-pig friends in the hopes that one day, I’ll have a family to cook and care for. I need conferences led by talented, intelligent, PhD-pursuing female authors with husbands and kids and full, full lives to push me to never settle and never stop.

And maybe, I need to know that I can belong to this Church, when she is petty and annoying me, so that I am also part of her when she is a beautiful outpouring of Christ’s love to the world.


But I’m still holding off on the ridiculous “I have all the answers with my generous orthodoxy” books, and “contemporary Christian” 90’s “music” garbage. That was harsh.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

• When are we going to remember we are only good at fighting guerrilla wars via proxy? Oh wait, that's morally reprehensible these days.
• Luke lost 2 lbs, Leia lost 1 lb, and I managed to lose weight over the holiday... does this mean I can keep eating cookies?
• I'm not ready to move, even if it is a great job opportunity. I think. Maybe by summer.
• I'm not even sure I'm ready to apply to the PhD program anymore. It feels rushed. I'd like to go to RTS and get another MA so I can study Hebrew and Greek. Would anyone like to fund this endeavor? I promise I'll publish someday, and I'll put your name as the dedication.

Grace in the Gospels

We make the freely given promise of G-d the foundation of faith because upon it faith properly rests... Faith properly begins with the promise, rests in it, and ends in it. (Calvin, Inst. 3.2.29)

Back in September I began a word study of grace in the NT. And, well, it's been 4 months; I should probably start sharing my thoughts.

We think of grace as commonplace in the Bible, but the word grace appears only four times in the gospels, three of those instances coming in the opening chapter of John. Here are my original thoughts on each, as I recorded them months ago.

Luke 2:40: And the child grew and became strong; he was filled with wisdom and the grace of G-d was upon him.

Context: Joseph and Mary have returned with a young Jesus to Nazareth. It is strange, a bit foreign, to think of Jesus as a boy; an infant in a manger - yes, but a child - no. I cannot wrap my brain around that simple an image of my savior. And it is stranger still to think of grace upon him, for isn't He Grace? It is love that bid Him to the cross, to bring glory to the Father. But surely it is because He is Grace that He came at all.

John 1:14: The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

Thoughts: This is John's description of the deity of Christ, but I am still caught and breathless by the thought that Jesus is grace.

John 1:16&17: From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.

Thoughts: Once again, this shows grace as Christs' essence, acted by and through His love on the cross, to bring us hope, salvation, redemption; complete and absolute glory to the Father.

---

Afterthoughts:

Jesus himself never addresses grace; he need not. It is His very core, not just an attribute of his being, but His essence and purpose, too.

Tangent: John is by far my favorite gospel, and possibly my favorite NT book.