Trust, Part I

Do you ever have those repeat lessons? Yes, I know this in my head.. yes, yes, You've taught me that before. Hum, maybe I'm still being stubborn.

I imagine this issue comes up often during the transitional phases of our lives. We seek guidance and direction a little more when we've just finished or just started a phase of life. Less than two months ago, I was seeking His provision for a job and He provided. But now what? This is where the thoughts start to race through my head. Do I stay here? Go for the PhD? Just look for a job in my field? Apply for a Fulbright? These are all pretty silly questions in the grand scheme of things. I am not asking where my next meal will come from or how I will pay rent. But I want to be obedient to His will, so I ask. And, the center of all my questions is the same: Will You answer the desires of my heart?

Do you trust Me?

This was a quiet whisper, almost as it hurt Him to have to ask. It reminded me of John 21, when Christ restores Peter, and made me wonder at the interconnectedness (is that a word?) of trust, love and faith.

Do you love Me? Obey Me.
Do you still believe I am who I say I am? Trust Me.

A greedy man stirs up dissension, but he who trust in the Lord will prosper.
He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe. (Pr. 28:25-26)

Perhaps the difficulties of my past cloud my view, but trust is a much harder and higher call than love. Maybe I can still convince myself to love you, but I'm not sure I can trust that you won't hurt me again. This certainly applies to human interactions and separates the emotion of love from the decision to love. Can we separate trust in the same way? Can I choose to trust you even when I'm not sure I will like the results?

I've been digging to unearth the root of my hesitation to trust our Lord. For countless reasons, He should be my first trust. His history is perfect, even when I did not see it at the time. His presence permanent, His love complete, and His Grace unmistakably claimed me for His purposes. So why do i fight His perfect plan?

It boils down to the root of all sins: Pride, and I will tell you how it gets there.

I can only speak to my experiences growing up in Western society, which I blame for much of the problem, but Pride is the root of the first and last sin, so I suppose this applies overall. We are trained that being dilligent and a having a strong work ethic will produce desired outcomes in achieving our goals. You can do anything, if you set your mind to it. We teach our kids that with effort comes rewards. If you want A, do B and C well, and you will get A. Sure, there may be strokes of luck along the way, but for the most part, it's all on us to earn what we want.

This falsely teaches that we are in control of our lives. And, once we've come to expect this level of control, we do not know how to function without it. Anxiety, worry, fear, depression, feeling like things are spinning out of control, all stemming from our improper understanding of the relationship between effort, control and outcome.

This false sense of control encourages the belief that I know what is best for me. This is Pride, plain and simple.

I do not trust in His plans because it means I have to give up control. I have to admit I don't know what's best and that His way is undoubtedly better. While it is easy to give lip service to the perfect nature of His plans for our lives, letting go of control is a far more challenging obstacle.