To depend upon His strength must become my greatest rest. To live in the love of God - even at the cost of great sacrifice - must become my highest aim. My crown.
- Julian of Norwich
Having the whole week off, I've spent some time contemplating my 'life goals'...where I am on the journey, what my next steps should be, what should be my priorities as I figure this all out, and just that whole 'general sense of direction' thing that I've come to pray from time to time. These are my four main goals:
As I prayed about these goals, and what it means for His love to be my crown, even at the cost of great sacrifice, my reflections were as such:
I see publishing as the vainest of my goals, and the lowest on my list. If my subject is not Christ, than I am only seeking self-glory: to see my name printed on the spine of a book. But then NOT using the intellectual resources He's given me is also not glorifying Him. For who am I but that He has given me? In any case, while it (at times) seems the most reachable goal, it remains at the bottom of my list.
Teaching is also a selfish pursuit, but one which coincides with the other three goals, therefore I justify it as being 'ok.' I want to teach because a) I want to be involved with students, b) it would allow me the intellectual atmosphere in which to publish, c) summers off = mission opportunities (as well as 'sabbaticals' doing 'research' in other countries), and d) teaching is one of those rare professions that provides flexibility in raising a family.
On missions....
Ten years ago, I would've said that at 28, you could find me living in a remote African village with 6 kids (not all of them mine) hanging from my limbs, while my husband shared crop-growing techniques with the tribal elders and the women taught me how to basket-weave. (All while teaching them about Jesus, of course.)
Yea... my, how plans change. I'd still like to be involved in missions someday. But no small villages, please. I am a city girl. Give me a booming metropolis -- Africa, Southeast Asia, the FSU, etc. And not quite so many children. And better micro-finance projects.
Even at the cost of great sacrifice...
Can I give up my dreams? Wife, mother, professor, author? It doesn't look the same for everyone. What does it look like for me? What does it look like when I have so little control over my highest priority on the list, and feel inadequately prepared to pursue the rest?
When Christ calls a man, he bids him 'Come and die.'
Surely this does not mean I give up my dreams, with no direction or plans for an alternative. Am I really to sit in a basement office for the next five years, with no clue as to what to do next? That would, truthfully, be a slow and painful death for me. But certainly not one pursued for His glory.
At times, He does call us to surrender our dreams and desires to Him. However, I think more often, it is our plans for those desires that must be let go, be sacrificed. It is the selfless abandonment of my plans, my timeline, my choice schools, my hope for a Fulbright, and even my frustrations with goals not happening on my timeline.
It is the reckless pursuit of Him and Him alone. For only in Him do I find my purpose, my happiness, my self. My Crown. And is this not Grace? To know and be fully known... what desire is greater than this?
How little understood how great His need, but also how perfect His
claim to my emptiness! Let me listen and believe, until my whole being cries out, "Jesus is indeed to me the True Vine, bearing me, nourishing me, supplying me, using me, and filling me to the full to make me bring forth fruit abundantly." Then shall I not fear to say, "I am indeed a branch to Jesus, the True Vine, abiding in Him, resting on Him, waiting for Him, serving Him, and living only that through me, too, He may show forth the riches of His grace, and give His fruit to a perishing world.
- Andrew Murray
